Midlife, messiness and the myth of social media

When everyone else is thriving and you’re just surviving, it's not you, it's the algorithm – and no amount of apple cider vinegar will help

It started with a house move. Or rather a house move that was delayed, restarted, happened, then backtracked due to a completely kaput boiler. That was followed by gastroenteritis. The kind that lingers, saps your strength and leaves you knowing how many tiles are on your bathroom wall because you've spent so much time there, you've counted them all. Twice. Add in stress – because why not? – and you’ve got my life over the last few weeks. Hence no State of Her, which added to the general malaise and the feeling of "why has my life ended up this way?".

And while I was curled up in a pathetic ball, feeling sorry for myself, unable to even face a cup of tea (yes, it was that bad), my phone was feeding me non-stop highlights of women my age living their "best lives". Happy, smiling, toilet-free… I cursed them all.

We regularly hear about the impact social media has on young women – the filters, the unrealistic body standards, the influencer culture that sells-sells-sells. But we midlife women aren’t immune. In fact, I'd argue we could be even more vulnerable because we’re sold a very particular version of what this stage of life should look like. And it rarely involves life setbacks, illness, or just feeling crap.

Whether it's Instagram, Facebook, or even LinkedIn, we’re continuously told we should be thriving. Living our "best lives". Reinventing ourselves, discovering the joys of cold water swimming, swanning around in linen, effortlessly balancing the "side hustle" with a thriving career and a fulfilling personal life.

Oh, and, of course, looking younger than our years thanks to a positive mindset (and collagen – only £99 a month when you use the discount code StateOfHer4Eva).

When not in the loo, I binged Netflix's Apple Cider Vinegar. Now I know you may think this is a miracle elixir, the answer to everything from belly fat to world peace (okay, slight exaggeration), but it's actually a brilliant TV show that highlights the absurdity – and danger – of our obsession with wellness culture.

It is based on the true story of Belle Gibson, the influencer who built an empire and fortune on false claims she was curing her terminal cancer through diet and alternative medicine. Now, yes, she’s an extreme case, but she tapped into something powerful – our desperation for a solution, a way to feel in control of our bodies and our aging and our futures. Social media feeds that. It dangles the idea that if we just eat the right thing, take the right supplement, follow the right morning routine, we, too, can be glowing paragons of midlife success. Gastroenteritis? You need a detox and to eat courgette flowers filled with kimchi – organic and expensive kimchi, of course.

And what do we do? We go online searching for courgette flowers and organic and expensive kimchi.

Because when you’re exhausted, stressed, or sending out for fresh supplies of loo roll (cold, please), it’s hard not to compare your reality to the glossy, filtered perfection on your screen and think they have the answer.

And yes, me being me, I’m going to mention the “C-word”: class. Because how many working-class women do you know with the time or motivation to go cold-water swimming every day? Or a spare £400 to pay for a day’s midlife retreat (with “free” goodie bag)? Or, between juggling looking after the family and working two or even three part-time jobs, the energy to turn their “side hustle” into a lucrative business?

Survive and thrive?

The women living their "best lives" online and selling a lifestyle to us? They have the time and resources to make it look effortless. For the rest of us, midlife isn't about leisurely wellness retreats or side hustles turned into six-figure businesses. It’s about survival. It's about getting through the day, balancing work, family and exhaustion. But the narrative we’re sold doesn’t acknowledge that. Instead, it tells us we should be doing more, achieving more, simply being "more". And if we’re not? Well, that’s on us, isn’t it?

These messages don’t inspire; they depress. Instead of lifting us up, they make us feel inadequate. "If she can do it, why can’t I? What am I doing wrong?"

The answer is, of course, it's not you (hun). Social media is not real life. And we know this, intellectually. But when you’re in the thick of it – whether that’s through work, stress, exhaustion, or bloody awful stomach bug – it’s hard not to absorb the subtext: you’re failing at midlife.

It’s the same moralising we saw in the Victorian era, when personal struggles were framed as individual failings rather than the result of systemic issues. Poverty was blamed on laziness, illness was "self-inflicted" and women were expected to endure their suffering (quietly) while maintaining an illusion of virtue. Now, the message has been repackaged: if midlife isn’t a seamless transition into empowerment and reinvention, then clearly you’re not trying hard enough. You’re not investing in yourself. It's all your fault.

Not wanting to go all Alanis Morissette, the solution is ironic: we need to talk more on social media.

We need to talk about the days when we don’t get out of bed until noon, when work feels overwhelming, when our bodies betray us and we don't get out of the dressing gown. We need to stop pretending that midlife is all about reinvention and "best days" and embrace the messiness of it.

And we need to talk more about self-care – not the glamorous, spa-day kind, with bubbles in the bath and in your glass. The real kind. The kind that means actually looking after yourself: eating properly, not “cleanly”; resting when you need to; getting check-ups and exercising and recognising that your body needs care, not punishment.

Because, frankly, no amount of apple cider vinegar will take away from the fact that sometimes, life just kicks you in the gut. And that’s okay, too.

So what do you think? Is social media harmful to midlife women, too? I’d love to hear your comments below